I want to walk on stilts...naked
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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