No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
