just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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