is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
