do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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