halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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