i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
