i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
