I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
