I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
