i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
