If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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