I accidentally had phone sex last night
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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