For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
