it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
