yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
