new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
