it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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