i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
