do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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