Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
