My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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