I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
