Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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