I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
