i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
