do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
