I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
