Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
