He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
