Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
