Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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