Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
