and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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