You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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