I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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