listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
honey bunches of taint.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
