you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
