I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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