Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
