Already got asked if we're dating
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
