Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
