Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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