Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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