Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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