Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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