i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
