Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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