you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
