I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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